Thursday, January 17, 2008

What Pretty Teeth You Have

I want to be entertained. Is it only fair that I be entertaining? I haven’t had much to say this week. Or last week, come to think of it. Actually, it may have been 3 weeks since I spoke in these blogs. What’s up with that? Nothing actually. I’m being menopausal. And, my mouth hurts. Three crowns they put in a week ago and my mouth has been hurting since a month and a half ago when the original drilling, filing, blasting and shaping of my poor little stubby bits that are left of my teeth happened. I mourned them. That night. When I got home and my mouth was so sore. I mourned the loss of my teeth.

Now, there are fakers in my mouth. Three of them. Bright and shiny porcelain crowns. Crap, they cost more than any car I’ve ever bought.

Drink something cold. A nice tall frosty glass of milk sounds really good with those chocolate chip cookies. Right? Yeah, right. I slurp drinks now. I suck them into my mouth on a tilt trying to get the liquid to stay mostly on the right side of my mouth. Same goes with eating. No pressure on the left side. Because if I do bite down on something? Bad words. Really nasty, hot, going straight to Hell bad words. And, cold? Forget that. It’s a hot poker through the top of my head if something cold hits those brand new expensive shiny crowns. My sandwich of choice these days? Something I can suck on. Mainly, it is peanut butter (no chunks) and jam on really soft white bread. No veggies. I can’t chew. No steak. I can’t chew. No hamburgers….unless I inhale and chew on the other side. Hotdogs are softer. That’s me. Soft food now. Cream of Wheat is good.

And, what, Dear, is the condition of your gums right now, you ask. Right. Hamburger. Raw, bleeding hamburger. I swish with special medicinal mouthwash, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I think I must need antibiotics. I think that’s the only thing that is going to start the healing process.

God, I hope my dentist never reads this. He might hurt me worse.

Ah, but I forget. I am a psychic. I could put the evil eye on him. Must practice.

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