A Swashbuckling Funny

This is a little insight into how I do my psychic channeling. It isn’t something that takes place in a specified area; it’s all the time. So, to lead into this recounting a bit of background info; it used to be that I thought best when I was smoking a cigarette. Then, some 9 years ago I quit. I needed a new thinking place and oddly enough that became my bathroom. In the bathroom you’ve got a bit of privacy. There aren’t that many distractions and I’ve also heard some writers say some of their best ideas come while they were in the shower.

Anyway, this morning I was sitting on the pot. I am reading a terrific romance by Nora Roberts called “Charmed and Enchanted”. It’s one of those 2 books in one and I am into the second one, “Enchanted”. The heroine has had a bit of a problem with realizing her dreams. I know I used to have the same sort of problem. Anyway, I set the book aside to finish up and my thoughts drifted to something I might write about.

Realizing Dreams.

I was wondering about unrealistic dreams people sometimes have and, how they might realize those dreams even though the dreams might be unrealistic. The example that came to me was somebody who wanted to be a pirate. I thought of myself. I work a 40 hour a week job in an office that has nothing at all to do with my psychic self and yet I feel fulfilled as a psychic. I don’t yearn to surround myself with other psychics or with things psychic, but still am wonderfully happy. How could somebody with unrealized dreams, which can certainly make for a great deal of frustration in somebody’s life, somehow come to terms with the idea that they can’t leave their 8 to 5 job to become a pirate and yet have that very same dream fulfilled?

The answer, I considered, might be more along the lines where they immerse themselves in things piratical. They read a lot about pirates, both non fiction and fiction. They could watch a lot of pirate movies. My mind was on a roll with this and I was struggling like a hen about to lay an egg with my next example when Seth, my guide, said, “And, they could go around saying, Yar.” I snorted and laughed at the same time, something a pirate would never do. And that is a quiet look into my life.

Mild Nudity

Here’s a channeling funny for you. I was just surfing around at Blog Explosion putting off the time when I would either buckle down and balance the checkbook or get extremely motivated and write a few articles for my June newsletter. At the top of the blog that had come up for review were the teasers: Biting Satire, Sharp Commentary and Mild Nudity. I said to myself…myself mind you. I hadn’t addressed this to anybody else, but I said to myself, “Mild nudity? What’s that?” And, my guide said, “That’s when you take your hat off.”

Where I Got Interrupted

When you are talking to somebody what is the thing you want them to remember about you when you walk away? Is it that you kept saying, “Uh” every other word? Is it that your personal hygiene might be improved by a look in the mirror every once in awhile to make sure you don’t have spinach stuck on your front tooth or you’ve got a booger sitting there waiting for you to do something about? Maybe they’re getting along in years and come from an earlier time and don’t understand the slang you use incessantly. Or, maybe they cringe every time you say, “You know”…which you do say a lot.

Why would you even care? Well, if it’s some girl or guy you’re trying to impress leaving them with a favorable memory will make it easier for you to talk to them next time. What about if you’re going on a job interview? Here’s a pointer. Don’t talk about yourself so much. In other words, keeping your mouth shut and not volunteering information is likely to get you the job more than opening your shirt and baring all.

Does this make sense?

It depends. If it were you going on a job interview you’d certainly, at this point in your life, want to bare all. Tell them you are psychic. Tell them you have many friends you’ve made on the internet. Tell them you regularly purchase things online and use your credit card and paypal to pay for it.

Why are you saying these things? I was writing something. Is this helpful?

Yes, we feel it is.

Well, I guess it wasn’t all that an interesting blog anyway. It was sort of lecturish. I guess.

Yes, that it is.

Is?

Well, you haven’t covered it over and deleted it have you?

No.

So, it is in the present tense.

Right. I want a drink.

You don’t drink anymore.

Right. I think I’ll make some lemonade.

Always Stop For Red Lights

I’d like to talk about boring. Like, I think I’m pretty boring most of the time. But, if people were to get a peak into my inside life with the guides I’m thinking they wouldn’t think it was so boring.

Like yesterday on the way home from work. There’s an approach of road that dips down and then goes uphill toward a stoplight. Inevitably, when I arrive at that particular light it is always red and I’ve always got to be stopped for a bit before it turns green for me. Yesterday, somebody in spirit said to me, “Don’t even slow down. Just keep going and the light will be green.” I laughed and said, “Yeah, right.” But, I did in fact not slow for the red light. At the last minute I chickened out and began to apply the brakes when the light turned green for me.

The guy facing me in the intersection must have thought there was some crazy dingbat lady driving the way I was laughing with nobody else in the car with me.

Chili From Hell

Before I get started I thought I’d like to relate the latest conversation I had with the guides.

I had gone to Curves this morning to work out. On the way home I stopped by our local grocery store, Lucky’s, to pick up some cat food and whatever might either supplement our dinner plans or replace them. Said dinner plans involved eating out of the cupboards for a change.

So, I’m poking through the store and am idling past the meat counter. It occurs to me that chili would be interesting. Certainly, I knew that there were cans of beans and tomatoes at home which would satisfy the eating out of the cupboards requirement. Just a win-win situation.

I unloaded everything onto the kitchen counter at home to wait for when I was going to begin preparing it. I was thinking maybe early to mid afternoon in time for dinner. Then, I went to take a dump. Now, it is not extraordinary to have a conversation with Folk in Spirit while I am sitting on the can. It’s just convenient. There’s not much to distract you from paying attention to what they are saying. Precedent has actually been set when Eileen Caddy said in the book, The Magic of Findhornthat she used to go into the restroom to channel because it was quieter there.

So, I’m thinking about everything arrayed ready to go. I’m thinking maybe I’d better put the hamburger into the refrigerator since it may be a few hours before I get to it.

Then, we commenced talking.

Guides: Why don’t you just start the chili now?

Me: Now?

Guides: Yes, you’ll finish it up early. It’s always better when it’s had a chance to sit around for awhile, anyway. And, you’ll have time for other things to do this afternoon. Plus, you won’t be tired when it comes time to start cooking.

Me: That sounds like a really good idea.

Guides: Yes, and we could help. You could call it, “Chili from Hell”.

Me: Hahahahahahahah.

Here's Dennis having the first taste. We agree that it turned out well. The secret ingredient was some brown sugar and a swirl of Log Cabin syrup. Sounds weird, but it turned out delicious.

What We Talk About at Curves

So, I’m at Curves this afternoon working out. They’re playing lots of Beatles songs which are easy to exercise to and get you moving. One of the guides starts encouraging me to do more. They said, “Lift your legs higher!” I’m running in place. And, I do, but it’s an effort. I say, “Who is this, Jack LaLanne?” They said, “No, he’s not dead yet.”

It was sort of morbidly funny.

Crusty Butt

I’m a Virgo. Real earthy. That’s probably why my sense of humor can be so, how shall I call it? Barnyard.

Anyway, I was having this private conversation with the guides. At the time I was sort of mumbling about how nice and soft our toilet tissue is. I really don’t skimp there and go for the softest kind available. You’ll learn as you get older. Anyway, I was sort of wondering what people did in the old days before they had such nice soft toilet paper. Somebody in Spirit said, “Crusty butt”.

It must have been Mr. Whipple.

Hotter Than Hell

One of the cooler things about my channeling is that I stopped using an alarm clock. I think in the last 14 years I’ve maybe used one 2 or 3 times. I just haven’t needed it because I always wake up on time for whatever it is that I need to wake up for.

So, this morning I woke up and I’m talking to the guides:

I’m thinking about how hot it has been lately and how my “uniform” is a tee-shirt and a blouse over top of that. It never varies. It’s what I wear. I also do not go around removing the blouse when it gets too hot. At least I don’t do that at work. At home I will, but not at work. It’s just a thing that I have. Actually, I’m fat and I’m embarrassed about how I look without the blouse on. It’s like I think I look slimmer or something wearing a blouse. Anyway, I can be adamant about not removing that blouse. And, it sucks when it gets hot.

We have a new lady in the office and I can just see her becoming sort of pushy about me cooling off by removing my blouse. I don’t want to go there.

So, here’s how the conversation went:

Me: Hey.

Guides: Why don’t you just tell her that your blouse won’t come off; that it is a one piece outfit.

Me: That would be lying and I’m not supposed to lie. (However, as I lay there in bed thinking: the guides just suggested something that might work. Maybe it’s okay to lie if they suggested it. Then, I think I’m just fooling myself and that’s not right. Lying is lying and people who lie go to Hell. Or, pay for it somehow, somewhere later on down the line. I don’t believe in Hell anymore, not for me personally. If you believe in Hell, good for you, but, I don’t. However, this whole thing with the blouse now has got me in a quandary.)

Guides: If you don’t go to Hell you can always go to the hotter part of Heaven.

Me: (Snorting with laughter….I never chuckle…I’m never very cute or glamorous when I laugh…I snort…so, I figure it’s time to talk about something else…): What time is it anyway?

Guides: Time to get up.

I roll over to look at my bedside table clock and see that it is.

Ahhmmmph

Oh, this is funny. I’m tired. I admit it. I really should be going to bed, but I kept surfing the internet, just allowing things to move and figured I might come upon an interesting site. Except, I got confused. And, I was puzzling over this, about how old and tired I am and how at one time I was a sort of savvy internet person. Now, I’m not too sure. I was also bemoaning the fact that I’d love to have a popular blog, or at least more readers and possibly even, hold your breath, make some money doing it. I’d just gotten done reading about what some bloggers are making and it would take your breath away.

So, I was thinking about content and about how I really don’t want to write about what I do at work and then feeling sorry for myself that I really don’t have a whole lot to talk about for the other parts of my life. Then, one of the Folk in Spirit I talk to sort of piped in to help. They said, “Just do the psychic thing. Erase all that and let me help. I’ll get their attention.”

So, I did. I erased everything and with a fresh clean page that Person in Spirit had me type out, “This is Elvis.” Hey, it got my attention.

Good night. We’re leaving the building.

Sunshine

I'm actually not on a rant right now, so there's nothing to vent about. But, I do want to check in. The creative juices have been flowing over at The Spirit Moved Me, but for the grumpier side of life I don't have a whole lot to report.

Ah, a channeling funny. One of the guides just said, "Give her a minute. I'm sure she can come up with something." It's like they're talking to each other and not to me. Maybe my channeling isn't quite honed in tonight. We could yarn on about that. Anyone interested?

With what, Dear?

Do you want to say anything about my channeling reception being off tonight?

No. It is fine.

I'm sure I didn't get that right.

No, you did fine. You understand that a ray of sun can shine in the garden and can peak in through the curtains to lay upon the floor. Same sunshine.

What does that mean?

It means that you might have said it one way, but being a ray of light it is going to shine regardless. So, some clouds happened to pass over exactly what we had said. We said it again and the next time the channel got closer to the actual gist of what we had said. It wasn't exactly spot on, but it was ding-donged close.

Ding-donged?

Yes, that is guide talk.

Right. Okay, so it isn't exactly what you wanted to say.

No, it is close enough and that is fine. Will you stop?

Stop what?

Stop trying to provoke your guide into something.

Sorry.

No you aren't.

Well, you do have a leg up on me. I can't lie to you.

No, you can't.

Channeling Funnies

Here’s a funny one. Sometimes when I get mad I’ll blaspheme. And somebody in Spirit will say, “Yes?” At least, I think it is funny.

Here’s another funny one. It was in my early days of channeling and I was such a raw newbie I didn’t know shit from shinola. Anyway, I was going to a rummage sale at my parish church. Now, I hadn’t been, nor am I now, a regular church goer. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God, but I just didn’t go to church. Except this time I found myself parking the car in the church’s parking lot preparing to go to their rummage sale. Somebody in Spirit said as I got out of the car, “Be careful. It has been known that lightening can strike out of a clear blue sky.”

Where my Guide Is Green

Deleted. Actually, never even posted because I'd probably violate some sort of Google Terms of Service or some such thing. Ah, but I can cast spells. Watchit Buddy.

See, don't you feel better?

Yes, Actually, I do.

Well, what do you want to do now?

You're asking me? I probably should go to bed.

People reading this are not going to know who you are or what this is.

No, probably not. What makes you think I'm going to post it?

You are in a Blogger publish post screen.

Well, you have a point, but I also have control over the "Publish Now" button.

Do you?

Very funny.

Now, what do you want to talk about?

This is wierd.

Yes, I would say that it is.

I'm going to have to color what what you're saying and make it different than what I'm saying.

Well, I've always been told I had a fashion consciousness. I would prefer to be green, if you please.

That was polite. Okay. You know, this is going to be a lot of work to change the colors when we're ready.

I'm ready now.

Yeah, right. I see you doing all this typing.

Had a bad day did we?

Hear that long suffering sigh? I can't even hardly see the screen. There's probably going to be a lot of spelling mistakes too.

That's right. Just erase what your Guide has to say.

Ha. I do it to me too.

Yes, but I notice you do it to me more often.

Well, I'm tired and I'm not sure I'm channeling right.

You want to take this on the road?

No, I think I should either delete the whole thing and go to bed or finish it up. This is getting long.

And, you aren't concise?

Okay, okay. You're Green.

Work

So, this weekend the plan is to write another 2 articles for the June newsletter. It’s funny, but lately I really don’t know what I’m going to write about until just before or after I’ve sat down and gotten serious about the whole thing.

It’s generally not my style. Usually, I’d warm up to a subject by thinking it to death for some time even before I sit down to have a go at it. What’s been happening lately is I would get into a “mood” of acceptance for some gem to come to me from the ether that I could talk about. Though that worked for a long time, the last few times I’ve set myself down at the computer it has not worked. What happened is I’d set myself to zone out, move into “mood” and nothing happened. That got a bit frustrating and as my own personal deadline of a week before publication loomed nearer I’d start panicking. It’s not like I’ve got a publisher breathing down my neck and it sure wouldn’t hurt to be a couple of days late in getting my newsletter out, but my own “rule” the last few years has been to have it in the email to folks on day one of the new month and up on my website about a week prior to that.

So, what happened last weekend was I sat down with absolutely no idea of what I was going to be writing about and neatly penned two articles with no problem at all. I will be doing the same thing this weekend.

Not that there isn’t anything wrong with moving into “zone” and waiting for “mood” to happen. I’m just trying out a new technique. I wonder what I should call it? Ha. Some guide just said, “work”.

Advice I Got Today

Okay, so this is going to get filed under a channeling funny. Today I got miffed at a lady. I’m not going to say what went on, but it was something that was somewhat unsettling to me and I was determined not to be bummed out by it. But, it was a struggle. So, here I am semi-bummed out and someone in Spirit said to me, “What’s the matter with you? You’re psychic. Put a curse on her.” I started laughing. It just struck me as funny. I know they weren’t serious, but it got me out of my bummed out mood.

Ding Dong

The doorbell rang last night and two guys from the 7th Day Adventists were on my porch to talk about me letting Jesus into my life and getting saved. I honestly do not know what to say to folks when they start talking like that. I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

However, when they started talking about coming back again to talk to me I always say without explanation, “I don’t think that would be a good idea”.

Here’s what I’d like to say, “Oh, yes, I talk to Jesus regularly. Yeah, he’s a great guy. As far as I know I’ve already been saved and so have you and so has everybody else on the face of the earth whether they believe in Christ or not. Now, I’m busy here, but if you’d like to talk to Jesus I’ll be happy to channel him for you.” Now, that is a conversation that would go over about as well as a fart in a space suit which is why I’ve never said that stuff.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday.

PS....I was trying to figure out what label would be appropriate for this post. Of the ones I've already used nothing seemed to fit, so I have this brilliant idea and start typing, "Jesus" when this voice in my head said, "You do that and you're going to Hell for sure."...so, I chose something else.