Newsletter for August and September, 2009

Finally, I got my newsletter out. For whatever reasons I have been off track with a lot of things for the last few months and one of them was my newsletter. This is something I've been doing on a monthly basis for the last 4 years. I took pride in the fact that I hadn't missed any months. Until now. It really threw me into the dumps. I would sit in front of my computer waiting for some sort of inspiration to strike and nothing happened.

A friend advised me to take a break from it for awhile and see if the desire to produce the newsletter would return. And, today it did. Some changes, though. Of the 3 sections available to me (I write it at Bravenet.com) I will henceforth devote one to the guides channeling. That's why I'm here and it's only right to give them a section for themselves. The other section will continue to be for developing your psychic senses. I've had that one for some time and feel it is good to remain. The third part might possible be a humorous thing or could just be whatever seems appropriate. Maybe it could just be my section.

In any case, the newsletter is out and you can see it at Talking to Spirit here. Or, just sit back and read the humorous part which follows. I loved writing it. True, too.


Psychic Guy vs Non Psychic Guy

Same day. Same happenings. Same person except in one version the person is psychically aware and in the other that person is not.

Morning. Psychic Guy awakens and begins talking with guides. Decides to send out psychic awareness and request for healing to co-workers and relatives who are struggling with health and other issues. Non Psychic Guy farts. Farts again just for the hell of it and begins waving covers about. Psychic guy farts and says, “Excuse me.” to myriad guides who might be in range.

Non Psychic Guy decides to roll over and go back to sleep. He awakes in a panic late for work and off on the wrong foot for the day. Psychic Guy rolls over, goes back to sleep and is awakened 15 minutes later by guides who tell him it is time to get out of bed. He is not late to work and also gets to eat breakfast.

At work Psychic Guy gets a phone call. Guides indicate he should remain calm. Psychic Guy ends up telling salesperson that the company is not interested. Non Psychic Guy is unprepared for salesperson, ends up getting angry and tells salesperson not to call again.

After work at grocery store. Guides tell Psychic Guy to drop apple in hand. Psychic guy chooses another. Non Psychic Guy buys rotten apple.

Driving Home. Non Psychic Guy is cut off by 2 people, tail gated by 3 more, curses frequently and by the time he is home he is worn out. Psychic Guy runs into the same lousy drivers and calls them assholes. Guides chip in with helpful comment to say, “Everybody has one.” Psychic Guy realizes he is being a jerk and ends up laughing at himself.

It just takes the edge off.

On The Importance Of Weighing Yourself After You Have A Dump

In our house my husband and I weigh ourselves a lot. Personally, I weigh myself every day. Other people tend to think this practice is obsessive. All I know is that if I miss weighing myself I am also in danger of having my weight creep up with a vengeance. I have an eating disorder and I keep it under control by weighing every day. My husband also weighs himself, though I’m not sure he does it every day.

That said, I weighed myself this morning before I’d had my dump. This violates the number one rule in our house of when you weigh yourself in the morning, but I was in a hurry. I recorded the weight and moved on with my morning routine.

Eventually, nature called and after I was done I figured I’d weigh myself again. It could be like a scientific experiment, before dump weight and after dump weight. DeeDude refers to this as BDW and ADW. He said ADW is what you want to do.

Lo and behold there was a 6 ounce difference in the recorded weights. DeeDude was passing by the bathroom right then and I called him in to see the results of the experiment. His comment was, “I always knew you were full of shit.”

Being Psychic Didn't Help Here

You know it’s time to vacuum your house when you come home from a visit with a friend to discover a piece of kitty litter stuck to your forehead….and she doesn’t have cats…you do.

Mrs. Hughes

Watch Mrs. Hughes. This is hilarious.

Menopause Jewelry

Here's another one from my sister:

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

My Private Part Died Today!

Here's another one my sister just sent me:

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse, said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas. "But, Nurse, " replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Middle Aged Woman by Lisa Koch

This says it all......

Here's Your Brain in a Box

The Pearly Gates

I should preface this joke with the admission that I no longer believe in Heaven or Hell. At one time I did and it is from that time I thought this joke was funny. Now? I feel that it is there if you need it to be there for you. I still make references to both places. Anyway, I thought this was funny.

You can find more of them here:

Bill Gates died in an accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where to go."

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "you can visit both places to help you decide."

Bill said, "OK, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a minute and said, "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell."

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill cried out in anguish and disappointment, "This is horrible, this is not what I expected! I can't believe this happened! What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?!"

God replied, "That was the screen saver."

Excerpts From a Dog's and a Cat's Diary

I didn't write this. I don't know who did. It's been around on the internet for ages and it is so like all the dogs and cats I've ever known.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

Roberts Toot Tone

The revolutionary Toot Tone. I thought this was so funny. My brother sent it to me.

Two Old Ladies

Thanks to my sister who passed along this tidbit via an email I laughed...a lot.

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

I Have A Gun

Here's another email my sister sent to me.

This is a true account recorded in the police log of Sarasota, Florida.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs! in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down the parking lot. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

I Thought It Was Funny

Well, I could probably rationalize this and say this is the blog where I don't have to be upstanding, polite and well behaved. Which is why I want to post the story my sister emailed me today.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own stupid blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.