Preface note: The channeled parts of this entry are in green.
How well do you take rejection? What happens when somebody says, “No” to you? I don’t know about you, but even though I’m grown up, I’m hardwired to be a 3 year old and the word, “No” absolutely, without a doubt, makes my stomach go into instant knots. It’s weird. It’s probably something psychological I could work on. But, any form of rejection or correction gets me tied up in knots. Life would be a whole lot easier if that didn’t happen to me.
Okay, so maybe I’ll work on that.
Well, yeah, tomorrow.
You have time now.
I’m writing now. By the way, hello.
Yes, and hello to you too Dear. You are evading the issue again.
See what happens when you channel? You get help from all quarters. Is this Seth?
No. It doesn’t matter who it is.
To my readers: First I get a hit that it’s my mother. Then, I get a hit that it’s Elvis. Then, Henry Kissinger. I think we’ll just leave it that it is one of the guides I’m talking to.
That would be a good idea. Less stress on your brain.
Okay, so you figure I can go fishing after this particular psychological curiosity right now.
Yes, you have 30 minutes before you should go about your morning ablutions and dress yourself for your day at work.
I don’t really want to do this.
I know, Dear. You never do.
Okay, I’m doing it.
Yes, I can see that you are.
You’re teasing me.
Yes, and you’re not doing your work. Stop for a moment or two. That’s all it’s going to take. Sit quietly while your husband is still asleep and the cats are quiet. Close your eyes and drift back to a time when you first were aware of the sense of rejection and of correction as you referred to it. You don’t have to do anything about it. Just become aware of it.
Okay. I did my time out for exploration just now. I got a sense of why this is going on right now. We’re in a state of transition at work. I’m in the process of training a new person to do my job even while I’m learning to do another person’s job. That’s stressful for me. I’ve never been a supervisor. Now, I’m going to be one. I don’t know if I can do it. And, because it’s stressful I’m reacting and dragging all these bits and pieces of psychological flotsam to the surface of my awareness. I think.
Everybody knows when the “thing” happened. Back when you were a kid somewhere along the line. And, I don’t think it really matters if you zero in on the very first time. It might have been going on for awhile and your memories of it surface at age 2 or 3 or 4. But, maybe it started earlier. It was no great crime. It was just how you were raised. But, somehow, a damage was done.
What I haven’t quite understood is how a normal, level headed, mature in years person can still be reacting to this shit. I’m sort of pissed about it. But, that’s life and those are lumps. And, seeing as how I’m carrying an extra 100 pounds on me is a dead giveaway that something ain’t quite right. So, there. I’m done. I dabbled my toes in the psychological waters of healing just now and the water is not too hot and not too cold. I’ll be back. I promise. It was a another step towards healing.